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Remind me next time

On Wednesday night, the UK made its choice on the act to represent the UK and finish between 16th and 26th in the Eurovision Song Contest Final in on the 12th May in Lisbon. SuRie will be taking the short trip to Lisbon hoping to not emulate recent Eurovision flops such as Gemini, Daz Sampson, Engel Humperdink and Electro Velvet.

Eurovision expert and keen self-inflicting torturer of the ears, Jonathon Hague, has measured up SuRie’s competition so far to see where she stands song wise.

We must point our that Sweden haven’t chosen their song yet which will inevitably be a standard Eurovision banger, similarly to the delights they have served up since 2011 with the likes of Loreen, Mans Zelmerlow and the walking Calvin Klein advert from last year, Robin Stjernberg.

Let’s start with the UK’s entry because surely it can’t get any worse!

United Kingdom

SuRie – Storm

SuRie might like look Annie Lennox, but don’t let that fool you. She isn’t going to be whipping up a storm performing Eurythmics-sized electro-pop in Lisbon as her track is ultimately a safe Eurovision pick that will probably finish 10th if it was entered by any other country but the UK. Current enough to not appear like we’re out of touch with current pop trends, but ultimately too safe to set the world alight.

I will admit that it’s better than some of the sleep-inducing ballads or bad gimmicky tracks we’ve sent in recent years, but one key criteria necessary for a strong Eurovision song in 2018 is… does it bang? Storm breezes by in an unforgettable slump and will be similarly forgotten come the end of the performances. Plus, everyone hates us.

At 40/1 to win, I reckon SuRie doesn't stand a chance in hell to win.

Initial Prediction: 18th

Song Rating: 4/10

Albania

Eugent Bushpepa – Mall

Albania are probably most known for the Mother Teresa, but I don’t think even she could save this disaster of a track by Eugent Bushpepa, who despite sounding like an album cross between Bon Jovi and Coldplay, has a wonderful name to say out loud. Try it!

Songwise, Mr. Bushpepa gets extra points for singing in Albanian, a rarity in the modern-day Eurovision. However, sonically it’s about 15 years out of date, completely boring and I can’t see anyone voting for the track. If I’m honest, I will be shocked if Albania get past the semi-finals. 66/1 seems generous at this rate!

Initial Prediction: Semi-final

Song Rating: 1/10

Czech Republic

Mikolas Josef – Lie To Me

Since the Czech Republic first entered Eurovision in 2007, they’ve had a torrid run of form, only reaching the final once, and that year they finished 24th in the field. Mikolas Josef hopes to bring pride to the Czech Republic by actually reaching the final and if I honest I reckon he will. The track is a slick, horn led pop track and involves him riding a camel in the video. Major points for that and we must see him riding a fake camel on the night!

While it not the most ground-breaking Eurovision entry, it is a stable choice, pretty cheesy and I could see it doing well on the night. It’s modern, it has a gimmick and is the kind of track that you will love after a few drinks at your Eurovision party.

At 20/1, you could have a dark horse bet here with at worse 16/1 depending on who you use to bet.

Initial Prediction: 7th

Song Rating: 5/10

Switzerland

Zibbz – Stones

Zibbz is another satisfying name to say. Give it a go! I don’t recommend giving the track a go though. You’ve already heard it on every radio station for the past two or three years and it sounds like every song you can think of. 66/1 seems about right as it hasn't got a chance in hell of winning. Just don't bother turning up guys, have a nice trip to the beach instead.

Also, why is there a live drummer but the rest of the track is a backing track?

Initial Prefiction: Semi-final

Song Rating: 2/10

Malta

Christabelle – Taboo

Malta, despite its size, tend to overachieve in Eurovision with 6th, 7th, 4th and 9th place finishes in recent years. They failed to qualify last year but I can see them pulling it off this year. Christabelle tells us to ‘break the taboo before we become animals’ while having a load of people dancing in what can only be described as a cage.

Is this poor social commentary? Perhaps! But song-wise it is a deeply unsatisfying number. From the first verse to expect this to reach glorious. cheesy europop heights of the likes of 2012 winner Loreen, but instead we chorus that builds but never drops.  I thought I found the winner here!

At 50/1 best prioce and 41/1 worse price, we can guarantee that the song won't win, but at least it's not a ballad.

Initial Predition: 12th

Song Rating: 6/10 (loses a point for being really unsatisfying)

France

Madame Monsieur – Mercy

After some disastrous performances in recent year’s the French appear to have picked themselves back up much like the 2010 World Cup squad after a nightmare tournament. Madame Monsieur have definitely produced the best track so far. A sleek and sophisticated pop track along the lines of Chvrches could see them gain a good position, but one thing worries.

Mercy isn’t the typical Eurovision track, there are some nice production flourishes and a decent vocal, but will it stand out? I doubt it. I see it doing well, but not top 10 well. The odds seem to reflect my thought with France having a 25/1 chance of winning. Alright track, but I would avoid.

Initial Prediction: 14th

Song Rating: 7/10

Spain

Alfred y Amaia – Tú Canción 

Spain are renowned for having diabolical Eurovision entries and you guessed it, they’re back again with another monstrosity. Never has a country been so out of touch with modern music than the Spaniards and Alfred y Amaia will make you cringe with their soppy love songs. They sing to each other! In 2018!

If they weren’t one of the big 5 then, there is no way they would stink up the finals every year. Perhaps, this is an elaborate plot to torture us for watching Eurovision. Who knows? All I know is that you need a barf bag ready for when they come on stage.

What is most baffling though is they are currently 20/1 to win! Perhaps, it's just me.

Initial prediction: 26th

Song rating: 0/10

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